CATRIONA | Becoming friends with my anxiety

23rd August, 2022    |    By  Beyond Blue    |     666

Catriona Bisset is an Olympian and the Australian record holder over 800m. But for a decade, she left the sport she loved. Anxiety became a constant companion through her teen years, and centred on one thing she couldn’t outrun – her body. Through therapy, she is learning to accept anxiety and depression as part of who she is. And to replace fear with self-compassion. This story was filmed on Wurundjeri Country, and we pay respect to the traditional owners of these lands. This video was directed and edited by Ned Donohoe.


Also check the related topics:  

Depression Anxiety Body Image Self esteem Eating Disorders Self harm Cultural Indentity

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CATRIONA | Becoming friends with my anxiety

I remember a photo of a relay team that I was part of. I think I was 10 or 11, and we were all wearing crop tops. I remember looking at that photo at that age and just thinking how much bigger and more disgusting I looked compared to the others.

As a kid, I think people described me as really shy. I always, in some way, knew that what I was experiencing wasn’t just that I was quiet. I would have a lot of problems in social situations or situations where I would have to speak in public. I think, around that time, my inner critic was extremely loud and extremely influential.

I started noticing that I was very self-conscious about my body. I would always be the kid with the big baggy t-shirts and the baggy shorts. You know, I couldn’t show my body because I was too fat.

I took a step back from running for quite a number of years because, yeah, it just became more stress than it was fun. I had a lot of trouble with self-harm at that time as well—physically self-harming. And I think the eating disorder as well was a manifestation of that, wanting to punish myself or have some kind of release from these really strong feelings.

I just felt like, yeah, there was so much pain, and I couldn’t keep living like this. So it was either I talked to somebody, or, um, I was going to take my own life.

“That’s the car accident, yeah. Are we going to boil these off, Mom? What’s your—what does your name mean?”
“My name? Oh, my name is Xiao Ching. He’s born in early morning. Early morning, peaceful.”

I, yeah, I really withdrew from my relationship with my mum for a long time there—a couple of years after I had started seeing a psychologist and that sort of thing. I kept all of that from her. Then we had this huge argument, and then I just said everything.

Yeah, that completely transformed our relationship and really transformed my relationship with my Chinese heritage as well. Growing up in Australia, I didn’t really have a lot of opportunity to connect to my Chinese heritage, but food was always… like, we always had Chinese food for dinner.
“Doing the learning, when learning, a lot of people cannot do very well. But she picked up the first time I learned from my father.”
“Yeah, then that’s it.”
“My two brothers didn’t know how to do it. And in my family, only you followed me on. You can do it.”

So, for the last decade, I’ve been seeing psychologists regularly, and I think it’s been a really huge part of me becoming really comfortable with myself and becoming really good at talking to people—like this interview. Yeah, letting people in. Letting everyone in.

I joined a running group again, and I just remembered all the great things about it. I could enter the sport as an adult, as a different person, as someone that was free from a lot of the pressures from my youth.

Like, I think I used to think of these thoughts and feelings as a weakness or as something that needs to be managed. But I don’t really believe that anymore. I actually think that it’s more about just being friends with all of these different parts of yourself.

It’s not this shameful secret that I have—it’s just part of who I am now. Yeah, I really see those things as just a way for people to relate to you and to love you and to, yeah, just a way for me to let people in.

Video by BeyondBlue