I started dieting at the age of 11.
I was 11 when I decided I wasn’t going to eat bread anymore
I was 12 when I first accidentally left my lunch inside the classroom and decided I wasn’t hungry, therefore I would no longer need to take lunch to school so I would keep it at home in the back of my closet.
At 14 years of age my friends cornered me and told me they were worried for me and that I had lost a lot of weight so very fast, later that night I forced myself to throw up for the very first time.
I was a quiet kid, I would immerse myself in the world of Harry potter and occasionally come back down to earth to hear the woes of my Highschool friends.
I was that person.
I was the person everyone would come to and share their feelings, their troubles and their hate of one another. I took everyone’s problems on board and it was in year eight, at the age of 15, that I first purposely hurt myself.
I didn’t know what I was doing, I realized how stupid it was but i didn’t care. I was even more confused knowing that I didn’t want to die, I just liked the feeling.
I was never told that it was okay to be confused.
This was all happening by the age of 15 and it continued happening up until I started college at the age of 17.
Just after starting year 11 my teeth started chipping because of the stomach acid from my constant throwing up. This scared me and I instantly stopped. I didn’t know what I was doing, my life choices and decisions were revolving around food and bathroom visits. I was no longer the happy, vibrant person I used to be. So I did stop throwing up,however I replaced it by binging out on food. In fact over the next two years I managed to go from 90kilos right up to 130kilos. I was a very unhappy person.
I failed year 11 and dropped out of college a week into year 12.
The following year I tried doing year 13 but dropped out of that less then a week in.
Earlier this year I was in a deep pit of self pity, self loathing and just general hate. The moment I realized I actually hated myself I broke down and just didn’t feel like I could pick myself back up, it was at this point where I seen no other option worth pursuing and my only thought was to take my own life.
Thankfully I failed, I was in agony but I failed.
When I woke up the next morning I knew straight away what I had to do.
With every being in my body screaming no, I still jumped on a bus and went straight into the closest Headspace center and spoke with a social worker.
It is seriously the best decision I have ever done.
I am now 19 and after 5 miserable years I am finally breathing the fresh air rather then sitting in the dark. I am focusing on getting healthy both physically and mentally, surrounding myself with positivity and reminding myself that life is grand. I have also ‘come out’ as bisexual to everyone that I know.
I’m a bit stuck on what it is I want my future to hold but as soon as I know I am hoping to be back at school and succeeding.
The message that I am trying to get across to everyone who took the time to read my story is that it is never too late to seek help. There are a lot of people out there that are very much willing and wanting to listen and help. Life is what you make of it so why not take the time to have a little fun and enjoy it?
Nobody is ever beyond help. You are worthy of help. It is never too late for help. Never
TINO Note: Thank you to Caitlin for sharing her story and showing us that help is available we can get through.
Also check the related topics:Depression Suicide What is it like getting help? Eating Disorders Self harm