LIAM | Anxiety doesn't stop for your AFL career

23rd August, 2022    |    By  Beyond Blue    |     624

Living out his dream in the AFL playing for Carlton, Liam thought mental health wasn’t something he had to worry about. His anxiety had other ideas.

A story about accepting help and learning to be comfortable in your own company.

This story was filmed on Wurundjeri and Bunurong Country, and we pay respect to the traditional owners of these lands. Produced by Good Grief Productions.


Also check the related topics:  

Depression Anxiety Starting in a new place Self esteem

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LIAM | Anxiety doesn’t stop for your AFL career

“What is going wrong in your life? You’re an AFL footballer. You’re living your dream.”

I couldn’t bear to look at myself and go, “You know what? You probably need help now.” What does help even look like?

When I was four months old, Dad got offered a job to move out to Beijing. Then we moved over to Hong Kong for another six years. I just remember playing so much sport, and that’s where I started playing rugby when I was about five or six. That was my introduction to competitive sport, and I used to love it.

We first arrived back in Australia early in 2010, and three days in, I went on my first school camp. All I can really remember is just thinking everyone hated me and struggling to fit in. Eventually, I got to a point where I was stressing about where I was sitting at lunchtime, who I was going to speak to during the day, whether I looked like a loner.

“How was your day?”

I didn’t know my first panic attack was a panic attack. I couldn’t figure out a little problem, slammed my pen, and hit my head into my desk. I just had no control over how I was feeling. I just felt helpless that my mind was taking control of the rest of my body.

I struggled to understand that people like me could have things like this go on because I’d had the picture-perfect life so far.

I still remember really intensely how proud I was when I got drafted and Juddy handed me that jumper. From the sound, I think the thing I remember the most is how quickly my emotions changed. All my exposure to AFL football had been that they live a perfect life, that there are no worries.

Frankly, it definitely wasn’t the case.

[Music]

You’re struggling with this aggressive anxiety disorder, but you’re still in front of a packed MCG. How does that even break even?

But there’s an aspect of being able to hide behind the identity that I have out there, and that’s probably why it was a safe haven for me when I was playing AFL football—and why I struggle so much when I’m not. At the time, I really struggled to go back to being me.

How hard that is to conceptualize: in front of 80,000 people, you’re not under pressure, but at home on your own, you are.

McLaughlin today… but he always finds a way in the latest—just the entire… all 10 Victorian clubs.

I found out the day before that we were flying up to Queensland for 25 days. Pretty much the second I got up there, I realized that something was really off. You know, thoughts of self-harm were well past the point of being worrying.

I sort of started unpacking why I was even in the industry. I hadn’t enjoyed any of my first two years, and it got to the point where football wasn’t necessarily detrimental to me, but football could no longer save me.

My plan was to retire and forget about football. I thought that me escaping football was me escaping my mental health problems.

I didn’t like the idea of rehabilitation or taking care of my mental health either. In fact, I had these associations with it—that I was a weakling because I had to—and all this stuff that I’d been prejudiced towards since early childhood.

I’d like to think that I’m tough and angry and all of these things that we think the perfect ’80s or ’90s footballer is, and that’s kind of how I grew up.

When it finally became obvious to other people how much I was battling, the amount of time they put into me to fix things was the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s why I’m so big on telling other people what’s going on—because often, they have a better idea of the picture than you do.

The biggest things for me were understanding what was actually going on hormonally in my brain and having some way to justify how I was feeling. So, I had a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and was on medication.

When I finally got to that point, where, when I was in a downhill spiral or something like that, I could come back to terms with: “All right, this is why I’m feeling this way. These are the little things that I can do to get away from it or give myself a second and get back in the moment.”

Knowing who I’ve got in my corner as well, so I don’t feel alone even when I’m struggling.

I now realize my purpose in football might be a little bit bigger than just being good at it. I’m going to do everything in my power to make people feel like suffering like this is okay.

I’m an AFL footballer, but I can be human. I don’t have to be this super tough guy. I know other people struggle—I know everyone does—and that’s what makes it okay for me.

Video by BeyondBlue