Video Transcription
COMMUNICATION: How can we communicate more assertively?
You should stand up for yourself and be more assertive—words you’ve probably heard heaps of times before. Usually, it’s advice given when someone has hurt or offended you, or when their needs are just different from yours. Disagreements and tricky conversations are normal in all types of relationships, and these conversations often come up when you need to challenge inappropriate behaviour, shut down pressure from friends, resolve conflict, or lay down your boundaries. These conversations are difficult because you do actually care about who you’re talking to.
But sometimes, people resist being assertive because they think it might make them seem confrontational or bossy. And sometimes, people think they’re standing up for themselves, but they’re actually being confrontational, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive behaviour is when someone communicates their aggression through their actions rather than directly saying it to your face. While they might seem like they’re being polite, you can tell they’re angry with you. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with respectfully challenging someone’s behaviour or communicating your boundaries—in fact, it’s actually really important. If you talk about it as early as possible, you can stop things from building up.
So, what effective communication actually means is being firm with what you want or need, being specific about your concerns, focusing on their behaviour and not them as a person, and of course, just being respectful.
Let’s go with some examples of what assertive communication looks like. Let’s say I’m making fun of Nick for bringing cupcakes to school, and he wants to challenge me because I always mock him in front of people just to get a laugh, and he’s had enough of it.
“I don’t care what you think, Taylor. I am just so sick of tolerating your existence.” “Thanks for the feedback. Next time, I’ll remember not to bring you one.” “Hey Taylor, you might not know it, but it actually really gets to me when I’m made fun of in front of everyone. So, next time, could the jokes about me be skipped?”
Here’s another example, but online this time. Nick reaches out to me to vent about something that happened at school today, but I’ve got my own stuff going on too, and I just don’t know how to say it’s not a good time to talk.
“Hey Taylor, I’m really struggling here. Do you think everyone’s gonna hate me after today? You know I didn’t even do what they’re saying I did, right? I’m kind of freaking out.” “Oh mate, get over yourself. Other people have problems too.” “I just don’t want to deal with this right now. I’m going to leave him on read so he knows I don’t want to talk about it.” “Hey Nick, yeah, what happened today was pretty wild. Let’s chat about it more tonight. I’m just not in the headspace right this second, but I’m totally here to talk later. I’ll message you. 😊”
It’s pretty obvious how assertive communication looks and feels completely different from someone being aggressive or passive-aggressive. So here are some tips on how to communicate assertively: using “I feel” messages and focusing on their behaviour is a helpful way to communicate your position without actually attacking them as a person. For example, instead of saying, “Why do you always have a go at me for caring about stuff?” you could say, “It upsets me when you say the things I care about don’t matter.”
It’s not always possible to have a win-win outcome, but at the end of the day, in its most simple form, assertive communication gives someone else the opportunity to learn what’s right and okay by you. That tip is also really important when we realize someone’s communicating assertively with us. So remember their intentions—they’re having this conversation because they value your relationship. So, don’t get defensive and be open to actively listening to them.
These tricky conversations can be stressful and uncomfortable, but the great thing is anyone can learn, practice, and improve handling them. Assertive communication is just like a muscle—the more you practice using it, the easier it gets. It’s just about backing yourself.
So, do you want a cupcake? I would love the chocolate one!
Video by Project Rockit
