I used to believe that having a boyfriend or dating in general was key. In primary school, I was used to seeing many of my friends dating each other and movies and TV shows would blast love and relationships out to anyone watching. However, no-one really noticed me around that time.
But once I stepped into high school, I was exposed to a large variety of people of ages obviously older than me. I received a lot of attention from those in the grade above mostly. But a boy that was three years older than me took interest and we started to go out. It was a pure and innocent relationship as it was my first, and surprisingly his first too. We were helplessly in love, or so we thought we were. Nearly a year passed and I was still infatuated with this boy when he broke up with over Skype when he was overseas. I cried. But we were on good terms as it was a simple and easy breakup.
But throughout my junior years in high school, I decided to follow boys and always took interest whenever someone else took interest in me. I was never really interested in someone unless they expressed their love to me or flirted with me. I felt the most connected with one particular one though. He played around with my feelings even though he really was a nice boy. He took care of me but tempted me to participate in coitus. He made me feel guilty whenever I declined and eventually I agreed. I still believe that is the worst decision of my life. We broke up after 14 months and it was messy. I chased after him again, and he chased me. We became friends with benefits until one day he told me to stop loving him. He realized he was a bad influence and forced me to stop loving him. Again, I cried.
Over the next few months I tried to find the same love and the same feelings I felt with him, with other guys. I would date them if they expressed interest in me but then break up after the ‘honeymoon period’ as I realized I didn’t really like them at all except as friends. I ended up being in a relationship with four other guys in junior school and I dated a few more.
In the worst period of my high school life, I had become friends with certain people who would bring me to parties with a lot of alcohol and drugs (weed especially). Around this time, I had vowed to not be in a relationship with anyone for a long time until I had met the right guy. BUT many bad things still happened as I tried to make up for the bad break up I had OVER A YEAR AGO. YES! My feelings were still messed up from that one relationship.
I knew everything I was doing was wrong. I knew it was stupid. I knew I shouldn’t make decisions like that and let people think I was ‘easy’, or a ‘slut’ or just some stupid worthless girl. I didn’t want that reputation but I still did it. Then I met someone through a mutual friend. We became close and we knew we liked each other. However, I was still in a bad phase and still played around with other people as my feelings with this one guy was not strong. He found out and was upset. Very, very upset.
He talked to me and asked me if I liked him. I had never in my life confessed to someone before and so, I was reluctant. He asked me again. I knew in that moment that he was the right one. There was just a feeling. I didn’t know him that long but it was everything he did, everything he said that made me feel that way. If I hadn’t been with so many guys and been in so many relationships, I would not have been able to distinguish this feeling from infatuation or actual love. I confessed and a month later, he asked me out.
We have been going strong for nearly a year with our fair share of fights and conflicts, our downs and ups, but we have made it through. I could not love anyone more than him and I would give my life up for him. I know all of this sounds cheesy and this was extremely long but don’t give up and don’t give in. Don’t be pressured into having a boyfriend or girlfriend or being around boys/girls a lot and thinking that it is the most important thing in the world because it’s not. Just be friends with them and if there is a certain someone, wait for a while and make sure it’s not just infatuation. Be careful and don’t just say yes to any random hot boy or girl!
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