Five , Four , Three , Two , One .. Here it comes..
“Ok babe, better run (insert any random name) is waiting for me.”
I lay there, just lay there trying hard to look unperturbed, poised.
I knew it was coming, so why do I feel so abandoned? Did I actually think tonight would be different, that tonight he would stay the whole night? Like a giant party balloon he inflates me with his compliments, his attention.
Then in just that one sentence, I have burst..
Every time, EVERY TIME the same thing. He calls..late, booty call late. I always answer.
He is desperate to see me. My mind shouts at me to Hang Up! Don’t do it Tara! You know where this leads!! How easy it is ignore that pestering voice and replace it with a promise to myself that THIS time I will be the one in control. Yes this time I will behave like the totally together young woman I know I am and when he is slowly unbuttoning those faded jeans, I will calmly assert myself and say ” No, I will not sleep with you again, not unless you commit.’
It went so well in my head.
Tangled in the sheets, I watch him dress. Why do I do this to myself?
The guy I wrote this about is a dick. Yep.
He is guy you lie to your friends about because you know if they knew you were still sleeping with him they would make that ‘face’ and feel it was their duty to remind you of all the shitty shit he has done to you.
He is the guy who never answers his phone or texts, yet you always reply to his.
The guy who tells you he is coming over tonight and arrives drunk and wayyyy too late.
He is the guy that makes you think your special and funny.
The dude that when your with him is so tender and loving you think only you know this side of him.
It sucks when everyone including yourself knows when your being used. It sucks even more when you continue to allow it to happen. I know he is a dick..You reading this know he is a dick..so why can’t I let it go and walk away. Am I so desperately in need of some male attention that I willingly offer myself up to be hurt over and over again? Do I need to feel attractive to this man in order to feel good about myself? In the moment I feel sexy and desired yet when he leaves I feel the very opposite.
Casual sex has a way of doing that to you. When two people decide to engage in a little no-strings attached Hanky Panky most of the time someone gets hurt. Its sad but true ladies that most of the time its us. I could be generalizing here but when it comes to us female bodied sisters our reasoning behind going to bed with someone is a lot more mental than it is physical. The pleasure we receive is not so much in the form of a leg trembling, earth shaking orgasm but more in the warmth of the affection and attention we receive from our partner.
Have you ever gone home with a guy from a party or club, engaged in some horizontal action and then waited for him to cuddle up beside you and whisper how wonderfully nice you are, only to have him curl up to his Ninja Turtle pillow instead and promptly start snoring? Yeah sure he rocked your world for 4.5 minutes and you felt sexual pleasure, but why the empty feeling now? The feeling of being used. Did you go home with Mark, Trent, Lenard or Angus just because you wanted to get off ?…or was it because you wanted to feel all those nice feelings of being with someone who desires you. Who makes you feel a little special, a little sexy.
It’s a funny thing that we do everything we can to appeal to the opposite sex ( don’t tell me that skin tight skirt and those killer heels where the most comfy thing in your wardrobe) yet when it comes down to it, being seen as just a sexual object leaves us feeling used and cheap. We want our sexual partners to be attracted to us as individuals and acknowledge that we are smart, and more than just a bump and grind buddy.
In school my entire sexual education consisted of putting condoms on banana’s and learning about the ‘appropriate’ names for ones genitalia. Tara, it is not a winky! Tis called a PEEE-NIS!! We are drilled on safe sexual health but what they failed to teach Sexual MENTAL Health. Nobody tells you how much it can hurt when someone never calls you after spending the night. How sleeping with the wrong guy can have your head in a mess and your self esteem even more so. Being sent out into the world with your newly acquired apple flavored, super thin with extra pleasure ridge condoms will do wonders protecting you from a nasty STI but does shit against the horrible feeling you feel after saying yes when really you wanted to say no. Why don’t we learn to question our reasoning for engaging in sex to begin with and to pay attention to how it makes us feel afterwards?
Our favorite mags teach us ‘How to give better head’ and the media bombard us with provocative images of what it means to be a woman. Our brothers have pictures of FHM girls plastered on their walls and we learn that being sexy and sexual are the same thing. We are taught to love sex before we even begin having it!!. Friends with benefits or f$*k buddies are normal and claiming you can have “sex like a man” is seen as an achievement. We are so over exposed to sex on a daily basis that we forget to stop and think what the whole meaning behind having sex is in the first place.
I am not against casual sex…in fact exploring your sexuality is healthy and can be a lot of fun. I just wonder if we have lost sight of knowing when the people we chose to be sexual with are treating us with the respect we deserve. I question whether us girlies go to bed with someone purely for the physical reaction or whether its more about feeling wanted. And if that is so why be embarrassed by it. We know men and women are different. Maybe we should recognize our differences and allow only those who respect them the chance to share our bed. We should listen to ourselves more and love who we are enough to not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of.
If you want to have sex..have it. Just make sure it’s on your terms. And if your like me and its making you feel like shit.STOP.
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