Video Transcription
How do you identify? Discussing sexuality & gender identity | Out-Spoken series
I always try to decide what sexuality and gender my pets are, and some of them are definitely queer. I feel like they would be my [Music]. Hi, I’m Leo. I use they/them pronouns. Hi, I’m Zoe. I use she/they pronouns. Hi, I’m Winona, and I use she/her pronouns. And hi, my name is Grace, and I use she/her pronouns. We’re talking about our experiences as young people in the LGBTQIA+ community.
So, how do you identify within the LGBTQIA+ community? When I was 14, I realized that I identified as bisexual, or I’m also called the term pansexual—I really don’t mind. Then later in life, I say later in life, I’m so old, I think around the time I was 18, I went, “I think I might be asexual.” So, a bit of soul searching, and I went, “Hell yeah, that’s me.”
For me, I’ve never really put a label on anything. I’m just sort of going with the flow. As a kid, I was like, “Well, not straight, that’s for sure.” Yeah, that’s fine. Um, yeah, I’ve never really labelled myself. I just sort of roll with it. I would definitely say I identify most with pansexuality, but, um, because I remember hearing the term and I was just like, and like reading the definition, and I was like, “Yeah, that’s it.” Like, I don’t really mind about gender, I just want to fall in love with the person. Then I also did a little bit of gender searching for a bit. I’m not sure I fully land. I think the last time I was looking, I was like, “She/they” fits really well, and I feel like a demi-girl is kind of the vibe, but I also don’t know how I sit fully with that. But yeah, I stumbled upon the term because I Googled, “What do people who use they/them pronouns identify as?” Um, classic. Thanks, Google.
Being called a woman or using just she/her pronouns doesn’t sit fully right with me, and I think demigirl allows that. Like, you know, there’s a little bit else going on there, and it’s not just straight female, and I think that really was where I was like, “Yeah, that sounds about right for me.” I also like identify as, is it a demisexual or gray-romantic? I feel like that’s sort of a tricky label to figure out because it can take so much time for you to like be able to have a connection with someone that you go, “Oh, actually, I am demisexual,” and I’m not just like asexual.
Yeah, blanket. And I think a lot more people are asexual than they might realize. I think the distinction between like demisexuality and gray-romanticism is still quite blurry, and I’m still trying to figure out like where I might fit in between those. And I think it gets quite murky between what is sexuality and what is romantic attraction. And I think, to be honest, sometimes it’s sort of like a self-definition, and sometimes I find like labels really meaningful when other people explain what they are because it’s sort of like, you know, how much time and effort they’ve put into sort of exploring what that means for them.
Yeah, it feels like a really precious thing to be able to, like, you know, connect on that level of having to explore something like sexuality or gender so deeply. Yeah, so I think we should chat about our journeys. Um, Zoe, I’m really interested to hear about yours.
Yeah, well, mine’s really new and recent. I would say probably during COVID, I was like, “I’m feeling like…,” like I was, I think it was, I was seeing so much more queer representation and I was in group chats, and I was listening and talking to young people explaining how they’ve gone through exploring themselves, and I was like, “I think I really want to do that. I really want to understand myself better.” So I took some time and just, I think having those conversations with friends and family, and in those chats, really helped me explore that. Seeing a bit more queer representation and searching things up really helped. I think that was my, that’s my journey. It’s still going.
For myself personally, I knew when I was a lot younger than before I even said anything. Chose a really interesting time to come out and find my girlfriend during the same-sex marriage plebiscite. Interesting time, that would have been. Yeah, it was a lot. It was a lot, to be honest. It really was. But it was saying, you know, when the yes vote came through and seeing that celebrated, I was like, “Hey, I think it’s time to actually speak about it.”
I discovered myself also at an interesting time just before the marriage equality plebiscite. I think it would have been maybe nine months before I started going, “I think I might be gay. I think I might be bisexual.” Um, and then I found myself, yeah, coming out at that time. I felt a lot of pressure to come out because of the things I was hearing, and I’m glad I did. I’m very proud of the steps I took, but yeah, then it was starting uni. I just went, “Well, everyone else is dating, and everyone else is in relationships. Why don’t I feel that need?” Like, you know, I didn’t feel lonely. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I was just happy hanging out with my cat, playing video games. That was the perfect Friday night for me. Um, that’s when I started talking to some older queer people who mentored me, and I went, “Oh, there’s asexuality. Yeah, that’s me.”
It was sort of after high school when I wasn’t in that sort of small community that I was able to think about that more and like, it wouldn’t be dangerous for me to, you know, accept who I was or, you know, even explore gender and sexuality. But I remember, like, even in primary school, I’d be like, “Oh, people seem to be like having crushes. I guess you should just pick one.” Yes, I’ll be like, “Yeah, that’s my crush. Yeah, they are good at sports, so that’s why I picked them.” Yeah, so it was like not until later that I realised, “Oh, that’s not what people do.” Like, people genuinely have these like crushes on you. Yeah, why? That’s why it makes so much sense when I was like, “Oh, like demisexuality,” because like, makes sense where I like haven’t felt like crushes to people, and I just like would pick one at random. Yeah.
But yeah, I really think coming out of a small town and being able to like actually have space to be safe to think about that was like one of the major points in my journey. So, thinking back, like, I know now there’s a lot of queer media out there and there’s a lot of representation, but is there anything in specific that helped you with your journey? Like any books, any representation?
For me, my main thing is music. Like, no matter what it is, I connect with music in every sense of the word. Um, but there’s like specific artists that I look back on, and I’m like, “Wow, you really sort of shaped the person that I am.” And I know that sounds really dramatic, but it’s true. Like, there’s a song by a band called Moonah. I remember listening to that in my little Toyota Corolla driving around town, and like, this was before I was entirely accepting of myself or still very, very early on in that journey, and I was like, “You know what? There is gonna be that hope somewhere along the line.” And I was like, they really shaped me as a young queer person. And a lot of people they collaborate with are queer or anything like that. I’m like, “Yes, Luna, Fletcher, Hayley Kiyoko, G Flip as an Australian example. I love them.” Um, and just the fact that they provide representation just by being themselves.
I think shout-out to ABC Queer. I think they do awesome content, and it’s nice to just read stories from everyday people because I think that is breaking stereotypes. And I think this is going to sound really cheesy, but for me, it was going to Headspace [Laughter]. But, you know, having a place where I could learn in a safe environment where I wouldn’t be looked at as different or outside the norm, it was a really lovely safe environment for me to be myself and to, you know, learn things without wondering if people were looking at me.
I think the only other thing that I wanted to touch on is those like TV shows that have been coming up. I can’t stop around “Heartbreak High” and those kind of things. Really nice to be able to see that representation. Yeah, there’s so much more that can be done, but seeing it, especially coming to like mainstream media, like especially “Heartbreak High” as an Australian example, like, that really must be so impactful for so many people, like especially myself. Like, I think about it, and even thinking of like the concerts that I’ve been to that are queer artists. That’s probably the safest place I’ve ever felt. Like, concerts are my safe space anyway, but being in a space where I’m like looking at my girlfriend being like, “I can hold your hand here,” and that’s so okay. That feels so great to me.
I’m just really thankful for the representation that people provide for being themselves or just in general in the media. Like, it’s really, it’s really impactful. So, thinking back to when you first started questioning your sexuality or gender, what advice would you give to your younger self?
I think I’m just trying to like learn as much as you can. Sometimes it’s hard to find resources unless you, like, know a lot of queer people and can find these, but I’d say, like, one thing that really helped me is like understanding performative gender and what that means. There’s like a whole article I think Judith Butler wrote it, and that was like just hearing the word, like “performative gender,” like, I was like, “Oh my God, like gender really is a performance to me. Like, like performing a woman, but it didn’t really fit with me. It didn’t really feel right, and it felt very constrained to me.”
And so I’d say, “Look, just try and learn as much as you can, because there are lots of things, and they have, like, you know, people have written about them, and it’s, you know, finding that information can be really helpful.”
Thinking back to younger me, I just want to say, “Where you are isn’t where you’re going to stay. It’s okay to think about it, and if you don’t feel like talking about it or expressing it, that’s totally fine too. Like, you’ll get to a place where you’re feeling much more comfortable, and it is still a journey, but we’ll get there.”
I would say, “It’s okay to ask questions, and there is no such thing
Video by headspace
