Video Transcription

DISCOMFORT: learning from our mistakes

[Music]
Hey, have you ever had a moment where you’ve made a mistake and you realize that you were completely wrong about something?
Yeah, of course.
I mean, I didn’t realize my dad was left-handed until I was about 12.
Once, I thought I was putting a heat-safe plastic dish into the oven.
Turns out, the normal, meltable kinds—ouch.
But not quite the one that I’m talking about is about people.
And the reason I asked is, at the end of the day, we’re all wrong sometimes.
And sometimes these mistakes can just be like messing up in the kitchen.
But sometimes there’s something deeper that might be wrong.
Do you mean, like misjudging someone based on the first impression?
Yeah, it could be something like that.
But another example that I can definitely relate to is saying something offensive because you’ve never actually learned that it was wrong.
In terms of disability, I can tell you that happens all the time.
People make assumptions or use words offensively, and they don’t mean it.
Well, sometimes they do, but let’s face it—sometimes they don’t.
Like for me, sometimes the first thing people will ask when they meet me is, “Where are you from?”
When I was younger, I didn’t really understand the question, but people didn’t believe me, and they wouldn’t let go.
They were so sure I must be wrong.
So for a while, I just said what they wanted to hear—Poland or Lithuania or Wiggly, or something.
Now, I just tell them the truth, you know?
I’ve been in this my whole life, and I’ve been to about seven years of speech therapy.
And then there’s just a moment of silence.
Yeah, that does sound pretty awkward.
So if we have realized that we’ve made a mistake, what can people do?
I know it’s hard.
People will stay up until 3 a.m. playing that moment from a week ago or five years ago and repeat.
I’ve been there.
I want them to feel, for a second, just a little bit of the same discomfort they caused me.
And then I want them to dissect their mistake and learn from it.
And also, I think that sometimes you just need to stop and reflect.
If you feel uncomfortable after being told that something you said was potentially harmful,
you’ve got to actually check in with yourself and ask why.
Discomfort can actually be a really good tool to motivate you to change.
And it’s so important to not dismiss someone’s experiences or get defensive,
even if whatever happened was unintended.
And then just apologize, admit it, you know?
Yeah, and I also think being open to a conversation about it is really helpful.
At least for me, in the past, when I’ve accidentally hurt someone’s feelings,
I would shoot them a message saying something along the lines of,
“Hey, are we okay? Do you want to chat about what happened yesterday? Only if you’re down.”
I feel like that takes responsibility for actually having caused some harm to them, potentially.
100%.
Yeah, and that could totally smooth out the tension and make it a little less awkward.
That’s great.
Yeah, so remember, you can’t control your first thought,
but you can control your second,
and you can definitely control how you act on them.
And always try to learn from that experience and use that discomfort to change.
[Music]